It is time to write another blog. I don't know if people still read this now that I'm back, but I need to write.
I get lots of people asking me how I'm dealing with being back in the land of luxury. All I can say is that it is a whole different world. I feel like a completely different person, doing different things, thinking different thoughts. Adaptation has come a little quicker than I thought it would, but then that almost worries me, that I am too quickly being pulled back into not realizing what kind of life I am living.
This evening I was finishing up with my packing for camp and going through all the junk in my room. I came across all the cds that I'm getting ready to send out to people with pictures of me in Africa. Any little question from someone, a picture I happen to look at, or hint of something African makes me stop and just think for a while about what I just came back from. Did I really spend 9 months there, doing all those crazy things, or was it just a dream? Then I came across my ipod that I have hardly listened to since I've been back. There isn't as great a need when I have a computer that can be constantly plugged in to play music, a cd player, radio in my car, etc.
I started remembering how sometimes my ipod was my lifeline. Or I should say music was my lifeline. Turning it on, my fingers automatically scrolled through to that one song that kept me going. After work at the hospital, many days I would come home just completely exhausted. Not just physically, but in mind and spirit. I didn't want to interact with my African family or anyone so I would just walk into my hut, toss my bag onto the floor and collapse onto my squeaky cot. I could lay there for hours, doing nothing. Images of patients at the hospital would fly across my mind, hopelessness of their situations would overwhelm me, inadequateness of not knowing what I should do medically, knowing that I was completely uncapable, fighting with relatives to try to save patients lives so I wouldn't have to watch another kid struggle and die right before my eyes when he could be saved...
And that is when I would play this song. Not just once, but over and over and over. Tonight as I turned that same song on for the first time since being back and closed my eyes, I can't even describe the feelings. I instantly imagine myself on that cot listening to it, my feeling of helplessness ever so slowly ebbing away to a clearer vision that this too was all in God's hands. My life truly had never been this clear. I knew I was serving my God.
And I know that I can find you here
'Cause you've promised me you'll always be there.
In times like these, it's so hard to see
but somehow I have a peace you're near.
And I pray that you will use my life
In whatever way your name is glorified.
Even if surrendering means leaving everything behind.
And my life, has never been this clear
Now I know, the reason why I'm here
You never know why you're alive,
until you know what you would die for
and I would die for You
And I know I don't have much to give,
but I promise you I'll give you all there is
I cannot possibly do less,
when through your own death I live
And my life, has never been this clear
Now I know, the reason why I'm here
You never know why you're alive,
until you know what you would die for
and I would die for You
