Little things here and there send my mind whirling back to memories of last year. We just dissected pig lungs in my EMT II class and the clamps and scalpel in my hand felt strangely familiar. I can see a vision right now of Dr. Bond doing a gallbladder surgery and suddenly hitting a bleeder that shot out spurting blood all over both of us. He kept trying to clamp it, but the area was too small and deep to get his hand into. So while holding pressure on it, he gave me a quick 30 second lesson on what I should do, handed me the clamp and had me stick my small hand down into the hole and clamp it off.
Today I was washing my hands in the dorm bathroom. When finished I realized there was no more paper to dry my hands off with. As I walked back to my room with my hands held up dripping, I started having visions of scrubbing in to surgeries in the outer room of the OR in Bere and then learning to kick with my foot just the right way on the door handle to open it so that I could enter without contaminating my hands. (It didn't work on my dorm door)
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Anguish
So forget that last post. It doesn't matter what I do, my mind is completely caught up in Africa. I've tried so hard to focus on my studies, on my dorm pastor job, on making new friends, on ANYTHING!!! But my thoughts are consumed with Africa, the people in Bere, and mostly - Darfur. The fact that thousands are being killed while I'm listening to lectures is driving me crazy. I've done everything I can think of to be a part of what's happening over there, without actually dropping everything that I'm doing to focus on it. But calling representatives and senators feels like a lost cause. Telling the people around me has been frustrating as they don't care. I've been careful to conceal the battle going on inside me as I do the expected duties as a student, but I'm afraid of breaking apart soon.
This evening I felt so tormented by it, that I was pacing back and forth in my room,
not knowing what was happening to me or why I am so obsessed with this. My mind is a multitude of thoughts and pictures that keep reeling around and around and multiplying. If I sit around another week just going along with my little American life, I'm going to go insane! Why am I feeling so much anguish God? Are you trying to tell me something? Should I forget society's expectations and go follow my heart and get involved? Or is this just another phase I need to work through and get over? I am so confused! I cry almost every night now for people that I don't even know. Why? It takes me hours to fall asleep at night because of my thoughts. Why?
Why can't people ever see our world as just that - one whole world, one group of people. Everything is broken up and divided into our countries, jealous for our own prestige and success, only reaching out to others when it helps us. We are all humans! One people created by God. When will the horror over there stop?
I've tried to ask for advice from the people I usually do, and explain the anguish I feel, but this time it seems no one has understood. I get told to focus on the ministry around me, and I've tried! I get the feeling from others that they think I'm just in a transition phase still from last year...and maybe I am. One person I talked to and poured out all my feelings and frustrations and horror on the terror going on over in Darfur. After I finished, I heard a pause, and then they asked, "How is the weather over there in Nebraska right now?" I couldn't believe it! Did everything I just say just pass through deaf ears? Am I just a maniac with crazy thoughts that no one else thinks? Tonight as the tears came again, I searched my phone for someone to call who I could talk to about it, but finally gave up. So I'm writing in this blog again to at least maybe give me enough release from my thoughts so that I can sleep.
I could just go on with my life and ignore everything, or make a rash decision and quit school to be a part of something, but I'm not satisfied with either action until I feel God with me in it. So I guess I will just keep searching and asking God for answers.
This evening I felt so tormented by it, that I was pacing back and forth in my room,
not knowing what was happening to me or why I am so obsessed with this. My mind is a multitude of thoughts and pictures that keep reeling around and around and multiplying. If I sit around another week just going along with my little American life, I'm going to go insane! Why am I feeling so much anguish God? Are you trying to tell me something? Should I forget society's expectations and go follow my heart and get involved? Or is this just another phase I need to work through and get over? I am so confused! I cry almost every night now for people that I don't even know. Why? It takes me hours to fall asleep at night because of my thoughts. Why?
Why can't people ever see our world as just that - one whole world, one group of people. Everything is broken up and divided into our countries, jealous for our own prestige and success, only reaching out to others when it helps us. We are all humans! One people created by God. When will the horror over there stop?
I've tried to ask for advice from the people I usually do, and explain the anguish I feel, but this time it seems no one has understood. I get told to focus on the ministry around me, and I've tried! I get the feeling from others that they think I'm just in a transition phase still from last year...and maybe I am. One person I talked to and poured out all my feelings and frustrations and horror on the terror going on over in Darfur. After I finished, I heard a pause, and then they asked, "How is the weather over there in Nebraska right now?" I couldn't believe it! Did everything I just say just pass through deaf ears? Am I just a maniac with crazy thoughts that no one else thinks? Tonight as the tears came again, I searched my phone for someone to call who I could talk to about it, but finally gave up. So I'm writing in this blog again to at least maybe give me enough release from my thoughts so that I can sleep.
I could just go on with my life and ignore everything, or make a rash decision and quit school to be a part of something, but I'm not satisfied with either action until I feel God with me in it. So I guess I will just keep searching and asking God for answers.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Love God, Love People, Love Life
I've felt the weeks of school dragging by as my mind is constantly on Africa. I constantly bemoan the fact that I can't be there and have seen no point to the endless lectures and classes.
Today, though, I realized that it is time wake up and enjoy the life God has given me! Close to a year ago, I should have died, but God showed that He still has plans for my life here on earth. So why am I living every moment in the past?! There will always be a part of me in Bere and maybe I'll even go back, but right now is the time to focus on what I'm doing here and now. And I'm not talking about focusing on myself, I'm talking about focusing on the people around me right now. God has called each of us, individually, to serve.
This new outlook is making my mood better, and has started to reveal areas that I've changed since I was in Africa. I was sitting in the cafeteria today listening to the people around me talk and I was amazed. The popular topic was the new chapel credits that everyone is "forced" to get each semester. Most students are upset that they are now required to go to some chapels and are even finding ways to protest. While I understand some of the frustration and feelings that we should be free to decide what we want to go to, why do we always just see the negative side of things? We are given such an opportunity to have a place to worship, to have such wonderful services planned for us! Last year I would have died to go to a vespers/worship/chapel service just once! I missed the fellowship and worshiping of God so much.
That thought led me to the next topic of how expensive the cafe food is, which I am guilty of complaining of almost daily :) Why do we complain so much?! I looked at my meal today and thought how blessed I've been to have so many different choices, and amazing tastes. No boule or spit sauce. And the water...we have clean clear water by the gallons! No worries of diseases or of our well going dry.
If you have $10 in your pocket, food in abundance, a friend to talk to, a comfy bed, and can smell the scent of flowers in the air...count yourself blessed!
Go out and enjoy this fantastic day!
Today, though, I realized that it is time wake up and enjoy the life God has given me! Close to a year ago, I should have died, but God showed that He still has plans for my life here on earth. So why am I living every moment in the past?! There will always be a part of me in Bere and maybe I'll even go back, but right now is the time to focus on what I'm doing here and now. And I'm not talking about focusing on myself, I'm talking about focusing on the people around me right now. God has called each of us, individually, to serve.
This new outlook is making my mood better, and has started to reveal areas that I've changed since I was in Africa. I was sitting in the cafeteria today listening to the people around me talk and I was amazed. The popular topic was the new chapel credits that everyone is "forced" to get each semester. Most students are upset that they are now required to go to some chapels and are even finding ways to protest. While I understand some of the frustration and feelings that we should be free to decide what we want to go to, why do we always just see the negative side of things? We are given such an opportunity to have a place to worship, to have such wonderful services planned for us! Last year I would have died to go to a vespers/worship/chapel service just once! I missed the fellowship and worshiping of God so much.
That thought led me to the next topic of how expensive the cafe food is, which I am guilty of complaining of almost daily :) Why do we complain so much?! I looked at my meal today and thought how blessed I've been to have so many different choices, and amazing tastes. No boule or spit sauce. And the water...we have clean clear water by the gallons! No worries of diseases or of our well going dry.
If you have $10 in your pocket, food in abundance, a friend to talk to, a comfy bed, and can smell the scent of flowers in the air...count yourself blessed!
Go out and enjoy this fantastic day!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Joy and Tragedy
I am now well into school at Union College out in Nebraska and just recently received some news from Rich & Anne in Tchad. The wonderful news is that Steve has finally been released from the rebel group holding him since last October when I was there!!! Welcome home Steve!
However, that was followed by a horrible accident where 3 of the TEAM missionaries were killed in a car crash with a public bus. Please pray for the group in Tchad and the families involved. It has been quite a shock. I knew Kathrin, and met Rudi once up in the capital. Sandra had just arrived 2 days earlier to be a short-term missionary at a school. Although I didn't know her, her death is almost affecting the most, as I think about her being the same age as me when I arrived in Tchad last year.
I wish I could be there right now.
However, that was followed by a horrible accident where 3 of the TEAM missionaries were killed in a car crash with a public bus. Please pray for the group in Tchad and the families involved. It has been quite a shock. I knew Kathrin, and met Rudi once up in the capital. Sandra had just arrived 2 days earlier to be a short-term missionary at a school. Although I didn't know her, her death is almost affecting the most, as I think about her being the same age as me when I arrived in Tchad last year.
I wish I could be there right now.
Monday, July 7, 2008
A God Moment
Time is flying by while I'm at camp. I am finally on my first time off since camp has started. Our small RAD group has had a crazy fun time taking our campers rock-climbing at Smith, cliff-jumping and rafting on the Deschutes river, mtn. biking up Hoodoo, backpacking up into snow, canoeing around the lake, and anything else we could think of to wear them out!
There is still a lot of snow up here but not near as much as when we first arrived for training. The lake has unfrozen and the mosquitos have started coming in swarms. After a week of shoveling snow and preparing for camp, all of the staff were given a day off for solo time, the Sabbath before camp started. I almost went mtn. biking with some of the guys, but then decided to find somewhere to go alone. I looked around on some maps and picked out a trail to hike near here. I drove out to the trailhead and started hiking, hoping to make it to the top of Maxwell Butte. There was so much snow however, that I was having a hard, slow time trying to stay on track with the trail. Getting really frustrated in not making my goal, I finally just stopped in a snowy clearing on a log and decided to have my solo time there after becoming hopelessly far from any trail markings.
Reflecting on the past year and looking toward the summer, I was constantly bombarded with thoughts of how I would relate to the campers and just being back from Africa. I'm coming from living with kids who had nothing of their own and who ate the same thing every day -- to spoiled American campers who come to camp with their huge bags of "essentials" for one week, complaining about the vegetarian food, and 3-minute showers. I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it all.
Flipping through my Bible, I couldn't find anything that encouraged me or anything that really spoke to me. Finally giving up on God leading me at all or giving any feeling of His presence, I threw my lunch back into my backpack, stuffed my Bible on top and headed back down the hill to try and find the trail again. A while later after having to climb a tree to eventually see the trail, I jogged back down to my car and jumped in, ready to head back to camp for the music practice I needed to be at.
My cd player happened to be on, so I reached over to turn it off and in the process, accidentally changed it to the radio. Being way out on forest service roads, it came as a bit of a surprise when the radio actually turned on. As I listened more, I was even more surprised to hear someone reading verses out of the Bible. By the time I focused in to what they were saying, they were reading from Philippians chapter 4:
...I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength...
After the end of the chapter, the radio just shut off and all I heard was static. I think I mentioned these verses before in a blog, but it was a great reminder to me that it's not about whether being poor is better than being rich, but about being content wherever God decides to put me, and learning other ways to serve Him. Right now he has put me at camp working with kids, and after getting through my first week, I'm really excited about the possibilities that we have to teach and influence campers spiritually. In Africa, I worked a lot more on the physical well-being of people, but here it is a lot more the spiritual, relational well-being of people. I think it is a harder challenge and I am excited!
Anyways, I don't know how that radio turned on and off at just the right time way out in the woods, except that it was a God moment. Keep looking up!
There is still a lot of snow up here but not near as much as when we first arrived for training. The lake has unfrozen and the mosquitos have started coming in swarms. After a week of shoveling snow and preparing for camp, all of the staff were given a day off for solo time, the Sabbath before camp started. I almost went mtn. biking with some of the guys, but then decided to find somewhere to go alone. I looked around on some maps and picked out a trail to hike near here. I drove out to the trailhead and started hiking, hoping to make it to the top of Maxwell Butte. There was so much snow however, that I was having a hard, slow time trying to stay on track with the trail. Getting really frustrated in not making my goal, I finally just stopped in a snowy clearing on a log and decided to have my solo time there after becoming hopelessly far from any trail markings.
Reflecting on the past year and looking toward the summer, I was constantly bombarded with thoughts of how I would relate to the campers and just being back from Africa. I'm coming from living with kids who had nothing of their own and who ate the same thing every day -- to spoiled American campers who come to camp with their huge bags of "essentials" for one week, complaining about the vegetarian food, and 3-minute showers. I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it all.
Flipping through my Bible, I couldn't find anything that encouraged me or anything that really spoke to me. Finally giving up on God leading me at all or giving any feeling of His presence, I threw my lunch back into my backpack, stuffed my Bible on top and headed back down the hill to try and find the trail again. A while later after having to climb a tree to eventually see the trail, I jogged back down to my car and jumped in, ready to head back to camp for the music practice I needed to be at.
My cd player happened to be on, so I reached over to turn it off and in the process, accidentally changed it to the radio. Being way out on forest service roads, it came as a bit of a surprise when the radio actually turned on. As I listened more, I was even more surprised to hear someone reading verses out of the Bible. By the time I focused in to what they were saying, they were reading from Philippians chapter 4:
...I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength...
After the end of the chapter, the radio just shut off and all I heard was static. I think I mentioned these verses before in a blog, but it was a great reminder to me that it's not about whether being poor is better than being rich, but about being content wherever God decides to put me, and learning other ways to serve Him. Right now he has put me at camp working with kids, and after getting through my first week, I'm really excited about the possibilities that we have to teach and influence campers spiritually. In Africa, I worked a lot more on the physical well-being of people, but here it is a lot more the spiritual, relational well-being of people. I think it is a harder challenge and I am excited!
Anyways, I don't know how that radio turned on and off at just the right time way out in the woods, except that it was a God moment. Keep looking up!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
It is time to write another blog. I don't know if people still read this now that I'm back, but I need to write.
I get lots of people asking me how I'm dealing with being back in the land of luxury. All I can say is that it is a whole different world. I feel like a completely different person, doing different things, thinking different thoughts. Adaptation has come a little quicker than I thought it would, but then that almost worries me, that I am too quickly being pulled back into not realizing what kind of life I am living.
This evening I was finishing up with my packing for camp and going through all the junk in my room. I came across all the cds that I'm getting ready to send out to people with pictures of me in Africa. Any little question from someone, a picture I happen to look at, or hint of something African makes me stop and just think for a while about what I just came back from. Did I really spend 9 months there, doing all those crazy things, or was it just a dream? Then I came across my ipod that I have hardly listened to since I've been back. There isn't as great a need when I have a computer that can be constantly plugged in to play music, a cd player, radio in my car, etc.
I started remembering how sometimes my ipod was my lifeline. Or I should say music was my lifeline. Turning it on, my fingers automatically scrolled through to that one song that kept me going. After work at the hospital, many days I would come home just completely exhausted. Not just physically, but in mind and spirit. I didn't want to interact with my African family or anyone so I would just walk into my hut, toss my bag onto the floor and collapse onto my squeaky cot. I could lay there for hours, doing nothing. Images of patients at the hospital would fly across my mind, hopelessness of their situations would overwhelm me, inadequateness of not knowing what I should do medically, knowing that I was completely uncapable, fighting with relatives to try to save patients lives so I wouldn't have to watch another kid struggle and die right before my eyes when he could be saved...
And that is when I would play this song. Not just once, but over and over and over. Tonight as I turned that same song on for the first time since being back and closed my eyes, I can't even describe the feelings. I instantly imagine myself on that cot listening to it, my feeling of helplessness ever so slowly ebbing away to a clearer vision that this too was all in God's hands. My life truly had never been this clear. I knew I was serving my God.
And I know that I can find you here
'Cause you've promised me you'll always be there.
In times like these, it's so hard to see
but somehow I have a peace you're near.
And I pray that you will use my life
In whatever way your name is glorified.
Even if surrendering means leaving everything behind.
And my life, has never been this clear
Now I know, the reason why I'm here
You never know why you're alive,
until you know what you would die for
and I would die for You
And I know I don't have much to give,
but I promise you I'll give you all there is
I cannot possibly do less,
when through your own death I live
And my life, has never been this clear
Now I know, the reason why I'm here
You never know why you're alive,
until you know what you would die for
and I would die for You
I get lots of people asking me how I'm dealing with being back in the land of luxury. All I can say is that it is a whole different world. I feel like a completely different person, doing different things, thinking different thoughts. Adaptation has come a little quicker than I thought it would, but then that almost worries me, that I am too quickly being pulled back into not realizing what kind of life I am living.
This evening I was finishing up with my packing for camp and going through all the junk in my room. I came across all the cds that I'm getting ready to send out to people with pictures of me in Africa. Any little question from someone, a picture I happen to look at, or hint of something African makes me stop and just think for a while about what I just came back from. Did I really spend 9 months there, doing all those crazy things, or was it just a dream? Then I came across my ipod that I have hardly listened to since I've been back. There isn't as great a need when I have a computer that can be constantly plugged in to play music, a cd player, radio in my car, etc.
I started remembering how sometimes my ipod was my lifeline. Or I should say music was my lifeline. Turning it on, my fingers automatically scrolled through to that one song that kept me going. After work at the hospital, many days I would come home just completely exhausted. Not just physically, but in mind and spirit. I didn't want to interact with my African family or anyone so I would just walk into my hut, toss my bag onto the floor and collapse onto my squeaky cot. I could lay there for hours, doing nothing. Images of patients at the hospital would fly across my mind, hopelessness of their situations would overwhelm me, inadequateness of not knowing what I should do medically, knowing that I was completely uncapable, fighting with relatives to try to save patients lives so I wouldn't have to watch another kid struggle and die right before my eyes when he could be saved...
And that is when I would play this song. Not just once, but over and over and over. Tonight as I turned that same song on for the first time since being back and closed my eyes, I can't even describe the feelings. I instantly imagine myself on that cot listening to it, my feeling of helplessness ever so slowly ebbing away to a clearer vision that this too was all in God's hands. My life truly had never been this clear. I knew I was serving my God.
And I know that I can find you here
'Cause you've promised me you'll always be there.
In times like these, it's so hard to see
but somehow I have a peace you're near.
And I pray that you will use my life
In whatever way your name is glorified.
Even if surrendering means leaving everything behind.
And my life, has never been this clear
Now I know, the reason why I'm here
You never know why you're alive,
until you know what you would die for
and I would die for You
And I know I don't have much to give,
but I promise you I'll give you all there is
I cannot possibly do less,
when through your own death I live
And my life, has never been this clear
Now I know, the reason why I'm here
You never know why you're alive,
until you know what you would die for
and I would die for You
Friday, May 23, 2008
Back Home
For those of you who don't know, I am back home in the States. Sonya and I spent a great 10 days in Europe with her mom, traveling to Spain, France, & Switzerland. Everything was so green and beautiful!
Now I am getting used to civilized living again and finding out what has happened in all my friends and family's lives while I've been gone. This summer I'll be working at Big Lake Youth Camp again as a counselor for the RAD camps. Then I'll be headed right away out to Nebraska to Union College. Life sure picks up quick when you live in the States!
Now I am getting used to civilized living again and finding out what has happened in all my friends and family's lives while I've been gone. This summer I'll be working at Big Lake Youth Camp again as a counselor for the RAD camps. Then I'll be headed right away out to Nebraska to Union College. Life sure picks up quick when you live in the States!
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