Anguish

So forget that last post. It doesn't matter what I do, my mind is completely caught up in Africa. I've tried so hard to focus on my studies, on my dorm pastor job, on making new friends, on ANYTHING!!! But my thoughts are consumed with Africa, the people in Bere, and mostly - Darfur. The fact that thousands are being killed while I'm listening to lectures is driving me crazy. I've done everything I can think of to be a part of what's happening over there, without actually dropping everything that I'm doing to focus on it. But calling representatives and senators feels like a lost cause. Telling the people around me has been frustrating as they don't care. I've been careful to conceal the battle going on inside me as I do the expected duties as a student, but I'm afraid of breaking apart soon.

This evening I felt so tormented by it, that I was pacing back and forth in my room,
not knowing what was happening to me or why I am so obsessed with this. My mind is a multitude of thoughts and pictures that keep reeling around and around and multiplying. If I sit around another week just going along with my little American life, I'm going to go insane! Why am I feeling so much anguish God? Are you trying to tell me something? Should I forget society's expectations and go follow my heart and get involved? Or is this just another phase I need to work through and get over? I am so confused! I cry almost every night now for people that I don't even know. Why? It takes me hours to fall asleep at night because of my thoughts. Why?

Why can't people ever see our world as just that - one whole world, one group of people. Everything is broken up and divided into our countries, jealous for our own prestige and success, only reaching out to others when it helps us. We are all humans! One people created by God. When will the horror over there stop?

I've tried to ask for advice from the people I usually do, and explain the anguish I feel, but this time it seems no one has understood. I get told to focus on the ministry around me, and I've tried! I get the feeling from others that they think I'm just in a transition phase still from last year...and maybe I am. One person I talked to and poured out all my feelings and frustrations and horror on the terror going on over in Darfur. After I finished, I heard a pause, and then they asked, "How is the weather over there in Nebraska right now?" I couldn't believe it! Did everything I just say just pass through deaf ears? Am I just a maniac with crazy thoughts that no one else thinks? Tonight as the tears came again, I searched my phone for someone to call who I could talk to about it, but finally gave up. So I'm writing in this blog again to at least maybe give me enough release from my thoughts so that I can sleep.

I could just go on with my life and ignore everything, or make a rash decision and quit school to be a part of something, but I'm not satisfied with either action until I feel God with me in it. So I guess I will just keep searching and asking God for answers.

Love God, Love People, Love Life

I've felt the weeks of school dragging by as my mind is constantly on Africa. I constantly bemoan the fact that I can't be there and have seen no point to the endless lectures and classes.

Today, though, I realized that it is time wake up and enjoy the life God has given me! Close to a year ago, I should have died, but God showed that He still has plans for my life here on earth. So why am I living every moment in the past?! There will always be a part of me in Bere and maybe I'll even go back, but right now is the time to focus on what I'm doing here and now. And I'm not talking about focusing on myself, I'm talking about focusing on the people around me right now. God has called each of us, individually, to serve.

This new outlook is making my mood better, and has started to reveal areas that I've changed since I was in Africa. I was sitting in the cafeteria today listening to the people around me talk and I was amazed. The popular topic was the new chapel credits that everyone is "forced" to get each semester. Most students are upset that they are now required to go to some chapels and are even finding ways to protest. While I understand some of the frustration and feelings that we should be free to decide what we want to go to, why do we always just see the negative side of things? We are given such an opportunity to have a place to worship, to have such wonderful services planned for us! Last year I would have died to go to a vespers/worship/chapel service just once! I missed the fellowship and worshiping of God so much.

That thought led me to the next topic of how expensive the cafe food is, which I am guilty of complaining of almost daily :) Why do we complain so much?! I looked at my meal today and thought how blessed I've been to have so many different choices, and amazing tastes. No boule or spit sauce. And the water...we have clean clear water by the gallons! No worries of diseases or of our well going dry.

If you have $10 in your pocket, food in abundance, a friend to talk to, a comfy bed, and can smell the scent of flowers in the air...count yourself blessed!

Go out and enjoy this fantastic day!

Joy and Tragedy

I am now well into school at Union College out in Nebraska and just recently received some news from Rich & Anne in Tchad. The wonderful news is that Steve has finally been released from the rebel group holding him since last October when I was there!!! Welcome home Steve!
However, that was followed by a horrible accident where 3 of the TEAM missionaries were killed in a car crash with a public bus. Please pray for the group in Tchad and the families involved. It has been quite a shock. I knew Kathrin, and met Rudi once up in the capital. Sandra had just arrived 2 days earlier to be a short-term missionary at a school. Although I didn't know her, her death is almost affecting the most, as I think about her being the same age as me when I arrived in Tchad last year.
I wish I could be there right now.